I’ve had a really hard question to answer recently. Stay with me – I bet you’ve gotten this question before too! Since I’ve been back, I’ve been seeing folks at church and work and stores and each of them ask the same question: How was your vacation?

 

It’s really hard to answer! My difficulty in answering the question is that I feel like what I just did on that week away wasn’t a “vacation”. I’ve been kidding around that I’m going to invent another word for vacation with kids – it’s just too much work to carry the title “vacation”! But, it was time away from work, and it was a change of scenery and time with my parents, so it was a good time.  Yet…

 

The result of coming off of a busy week away with the kids is that I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately. It’s not that I haven’t been trying to stay connected to God, but when you have the hustle of feeding and entertaining kids in a new place, the myriad needs of a multigenerational family, not enough sleep, and the extensive travel to get to and from the vacation, the result was exhaustion. Add to that returning to a very busy week at the hospital and trying to dig out of the mountain of work that piled up while I was away, and I am whipped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for the trip! I don’t want to sound like “poor me, I had to go on a great vacation with my kids!” But despite doing yoga and meditation and trying hard to stay connected to the Source, I’ve felt farther away than I’ve been. And no matter what else is going well, if that’s off, then nothing else matters.

 

 

So after working at the hospital through the weekend, I had Monday off. Now, usually I schedule time off to run errands, cook, and get caught up on my list. I rarely actually take time off. It’s just a day working with my mommy hat on! But as I was driving to an appointment with my coach, I was thinking about what I would do with the rest of the day and I heard God ask me why I fill up all my off time with so many things to do. Now, I’m sure there are some deep seated issues behind why I do that, but I didn’t spend time thinking about those. I just thought about the question: why do I do that? And is that what I should do today?

 

So after my session, I made the decision not to fill up the day with things to do. I was going to spend the day with God, and that was it. That was what was needed most. I started immediately. As soon as I got back in the car, I started talking to God, asking him what to do with the day. I got home and prepared the kids that I’d be communing all day with God. First, I made a beautiful pot of tea and washed a bowlful of cherries (my favorite fruit!).

 

 

Then I burned a stick of white sage and prayed throughout the house, clearing each room. I opened the windows and aired everything out. Meditation was next, sitting in my room with the sun streaming through the windows. Mostly, I meditated and listened, but I also ate the cherries and drank tea and talked to God about whatever I was thinking. Then I went outside and walked barefoot in my backyard. Since the kids were inside doing school and I had the yard to myself, I swung on the swing set for awhile. After one errand, I had a meditative lunch and took a short nap. Then it was time to rejoin the family!

 

In the backyard…

 

Doesn’t sound like much, does it? I didn’t get a lot of things done – I spent the day communing with God. What do I mean commune? Commune: to converse or talk together, to be in intimate communication or rapport (yes, I looked that up!). And that’s what I did. I worked at connection for the day. Really though, it wasn’t completely about what I did. It’s also about what I didn’t do. I didn’t:

clean

cook

organize

write lists

run around doing stuff

 

I’m learning. In order to be my best self, for me to be able to love and give and serve and do, I need to be well. I actually need to be cared for. Healing the healer has to come before caring for others. I bet you’re the same. You are best able to give to whomever you have in your life when you have something in your tank to give. The problem is, we think that taking care of our needs is either selfish or weak. Neither is true. We need because we’re human. Some of the highest expressions of our humanity come when we are giving. But we can’t give when we’re empty, though we try over and over to give from sheer power of will. At least, I do. Then I wonder why I’m snappy and frustrated and dragged – and that what it feels like. Like I’ve been dragged behind a cart, that I’m dragging myself from one thing to another, that the day just drags along. Who wants to live like that?

Maybe the better question is: Does God want us to live like that? When I’m close and hearing him, I know that he wants so much better than that for us. Living connected, staying in the flow of his energy and love, that’s so very different than the way I’m used to running through my life. And I can think that doing things my way is how I can be most productive and fulfilled. The truth actually is that the more I commune with him, the better choices I make, the more productive I am, the better I feel, and the more I have to give. So for my good, the good of those I love and live with, and for the health and healing I want to give to my community, my need for connection with my source isn’t a nice idea or an extra – it’s essential.

 

 

So I’m back to my meditation and prayer walks and yoga. But I’m consciously talking to him through the day, about whatever I’m working through or thinking about. It takes practice, and it’s easy to forget and jump on autopilot. But I’m trying hard to stay connected, to meet my need, to know him and to let myself be known. It’s not perfect and sometimes it’s a little scary, but it’s a practice. And I feel good!

 

 

Have you left your needs behind? What do you do to take care of yourself? Please share in the comments below!