I think I’m done.

 

Christmas is 4 days away and I think I’m done with my preparations. I walked out of the last store this morning, and when the realization hit me that I didn’t need to get anything else, I took such a deep breath I almost missed the curb. It’s not that I don’t have anything left to do and I’ll be sitting at home with my feet up watching movies. But the major work is done: the gifts are mailed and delivered, the rest of the gifts are in the house and wrapped, the dinner is ordered, the decorating is done, and I have one more day in the hospital before I stop working for a week. Other than the final grocery shopping and a little bit of cooking, everything major is done. I might actually get to see that Christmas eve movie I’ve planning to watch!

 

 

I felt so good when I left the store that I immediately started feeling more relaxed and rested. It helped that it was also my day off. The next thought that came to my mind was very strange: What nice thing can I do for my husband?

For my husband? Seems a little odd, since I’d been feeling like the work of Christmas was mine. But follow me on this one. Yes, it’s true that the Christmas dinner plans and the gift shopping/wrapping/mailing was mostly my doing, but there was a reason that my mind said that he needed something kind done for him. I hadn’t been treating him the way I should have been in all this holiday prep. I’d been complaining about all the work on my shoulders and and fussing about the mess in the house and acting like he wasn’t doing his share. I was tired and overwhelmed and frustrated and disrespectful.

 

My wrapping station…

 

Women, hear me on this: If you want to be sure to tear down your relationship with your husband, be disrespectful. We’ve been so socialized to believe that respect is earned that we insist that our husbands prove that they are worthy of our respect before we give it to them. And sometimes they aren’t living up to our standard of what we think they should be as husbands or fathers, so we withhold our respect until they decide to meet our standard. But here’s the problem with that: We expect to be loved unconditionally, but we have a hard time giving respect unconditionally. We all need love and respect, but as women our primary need is for unconditional love. We’d be horrified if our husband said we needed to earn his love! But a man’s primary need is for respect. Ask him which (love or respect) he’d rather have if he had to choose. I’ll bet you he chooses respect. So if unconditional respect is what he needs (not unconditional acceptance of poor behaviors – not the same thing), then that’s what we need to give. And I hadn’t been doing that recently, and my lack of respect was causing lots of conflict.

 

The hardest thing I did this week was apologize to my husband for my lack of respect. Not the surgery I performed, not managing my office, not giving performance reviews, not handling the kids, not getting up early when I was tired, but making a humble apology. I wanted to know in advance that he’d respond with an understanding that I was feeling alone and overworked, that my attitude hadn’t bothered him, and that he was just looking for ways to get involved and lighten my load. I didn’t know if he’d say any of that. Really, it didn’t matter to me if he said any of that – I just wanted him to do all that. He might just tell me that it was my idea to do all of this and he never signed up for any of it. He could point out that it wasn’t his plans that were making me miserable. But no matter what he said or did, it didn’t change the fact that he deserved my respect, I hadn’t been giving it, and I needed to apologize. So I swallowed my pride, looked up into his eyes, and apologized for being disrespectful.

 

The truth is that he is doing plenty that deserves my respect. He took time out of his work day to take the kids to do their Christmas shopping. He’s been taking them to Tae Kwan Do two to three times a week all semester without me. He cleared his office to make our extra guest space available again, just in time for the holidays. He made a masterpiece of a 2019 family calendar to go out for Christmas gifts. He’s been consistently addressing unacceptable child behavior whenever he’s observed it. This is the man who taught them to roller skate, ride bikes, and make bacon and waffles for Saturday breakfast. He’s smart too – he recently taught himself to solve a Rubik’s cube, something I’ve never been able to do. He can see insights in the scriptures and make them understandable in a way that is truly gifted. He loves people and is willing to make time for them in a way that is rare. He’s a good man, a good husband, and a good father. He’s not the problem.

 

Working away at home…

 

My thinking is the problem.  When I am feeling overworked and overwhelmed, I can choose to look for what he’s not doing to help me and be angry with him, or I can look for another way to see the situation. The first option makes me critical, irritated, and quick to blame, which comes across every time as disrespectful. As far as the holidays are concerned, most of what I do for Christmas is what I’ve decided needs to be done. In fifteen years, I don’t think he’s ever asked for a specific dinner, decorating scheme, or for gifts to be done a certain way for the kids. We could probably order pizza on Christmas and he’d be fine with it – I don’t think he really cares! I get upset because I make plans and expect him to jump in and help me. When he doesn’t, I’m disappointed.

But I don’t have to be. I could discuss my plans in advance and ask him to share the load. If he says yes, we can divide and conquer. Or I can eliminate any nonessential or undesirable things that I don’t really want to do. Then whatever is left, I’ve chosen and can be happy to do them. I am in control of my mind, my mind is not in charge of me. I choose to think about this home, this marriage, this family as a gift and not a mess to manage or a list of things to get done. I choose to respect my husband because I love him and God asks me to (Ephesians 5:33). Christmas is the time we remember the promise that came in his son Jesus coming to live among us. If I get to be the receiver of that miraculous gift, I can give my honor and respect and obedience to God, and as I follow his command to respect my husband.

 

 

Have you ever struggled to give respect to your husband because you think he should earn it? When you’ve been respectful, has that helped your relationship? How do you show respect to your husband when you are frustrated? I’d love to hear how you do this well!

Here’s to a peaceful, loving, and joyful Christmas to you!