Hello. My name is Andrea and I’m a perfectionist. (Group says, “Hi Andrea!”)

 

Yep, it’s something bordering on a disease. Actually, it’s a form of self flagellation, of self torture. I’m not proud of it. The best image I have of perfectionism is a weed. If you don’t get it early, and get it by the root, there’s going to be a lot of work involved to get it out. Unfortunately, it’s taken me a long time to become aware of my perfectionist tendency. So digging it out has been back breaking, painstaking work. It’s everywhere – in my home, at work, in my kids, in my marriage. And I’m nowhere near done digging it out!

 

My weeding tools…

 

Let me give you a few examples of the perfectionist voice in my head. I can be flying through my day, knocking out task after task, taking care of business. I’m running as hard as I can, and I’m generally doing a pretty good job at what I’m working on. And then I’ll hear that little voice that says, “You haven’t gotten hardly anything done on that list of yours. If you’d exercise a little more self discipline and focus, you could actually get done with something.” Fail #1.

Here’s another. It’s after dinner and everyone is fed, the kids and their dad are sitting around the fire reading a book and I keep popping out of my seat to put away something, or I’m cleaning up the kitchen because it certainly can’t wait until later, or I’m “multitasking” (terrible word – there’s really no such thing!) by doing some computer work so I can be “productive” while we’re entertaining the kids. That little voice says, “You don’t have time for a break. You have no business sitting around on your lazy butt reading stories. When else are you going to do what needs to be done?”. Fail #2.

Last one (I could keep going, but I don’t want to demoralize anyone). I’m sitting in the new sunroom with the windows open on a beautiful sunny day. I’m supposed to be meditating and connecting with God, but instead I’m seeing the junky mess the kids made in the backyard and hearing that voice again. “Your neighbors must be so annoyed living next to you. Your yard looks like a dump! If you were training your children better, your home and yard wouldn’t be such a wreck. You really are a failure as a mom and a wife. You can’t even keep this place in order.” Fail #3.

 

 

What brought all this up? I had a moment earlier this week with a friend at our homeschool community that stuck with me. She is the biggest hearted, most fun, vulnerable and wonderful mom, and she’s been a huge reason why I haven’t chucked this whole homeschool plan out the window. She’s one of those people who make you believe you can do something, you know? And she’s honest about the things she’s working on and needs help with too. So, it’s lunch time and her husband brought lunch for them and the kids from a fast food place. We’re chatting when he hands her the french fries, so I asked for a few. After I took them, I said something about how I hadn’t had those specific kind of fries in forever, and she said, “I know. And I think I love you even more now for eating them!”

Her comment kind of rocked me back for a minute. But I got it. Something about me and the way I present myself to the world makes me seem bulletproof, like I don’t struggle or fall short. The way I look on the outside, the way I’m perceived is so different from what’s on the inside. It must be like looking at someone’s life on social media – always smiling, only the good stuff please. It’s just not real. And I’ve never wanted to be fake. I doubt that any of us do. But we learn to smile and put on a good face, say we’re fine when we’re not, and act like we’ve got our life juggling act down, even when we’re crumbling inside. I’m not saying we should walk around in the dumps and complain. But we can share what’s hard and what we need to to grow in our lives. We can become vulnerable with each other. We could grow together, form our tribe, support each other, hold each other up and remind each other what good we see in the other.

 

 

At first I started writing this post so that I could share about this hateful problem of perfectionism. But I think most of us know that the goal of perfection is impossible. But now I realize that the purpose of writing today is to remind me (and you), that we all are growing toward our better selves, from wherever we are. There are some things that I do well, and I want to help other women do those things well without having to start from the very beginning. Helping women find their way to their best self gives me purpose and joy, so I’m going to keep doing it. But at the same time, I have to keep growing and becoming my best possible self in the process, knowing that I am not becoming perfect. And perfect is NOT the goal! I’ve started reminding my kids when I correct them that I’m looking for them to practice, not to be perfect. If they are make a mistake and do something wrong, then it’s an opportunity for them to practice doing it well. It’s something I’m learning too. We all can use less criticism and more grace, because we are going to be called to practice again and again.  I am my hardest critic – so I’m practicing into being gracious with me.  I hope you’ll practice being gentle and gracious with yourself too!

 

 

Are you a perfectionist? How do you practice grace with yourself? What keeps you from being vulnerable with others? Please share in the comments below!