I had a fight with my husband this week.

 

Big deal, right? Everyone has arguments with their spouse from time to time, right? Well, yes. Anytime you put two very different people together, have them live in the same house, pool their resources, and take on huge joint projects together, like say, raising children, naturally there are going to be some conflicts. But this one happened on the heels of our 14th anniversary. But even that wasn’t all that remarkable. After knowing each other for more than 20 years, we are both aware of the pattern of conflict and friction coming around almost every major (or minor!) event. Seems like something conspires to ruin what should be a happy time. Ever have that happen in your relationships?

 

 

Let me tell you about it. There was a father-son retreat at the camp this past weekend and he and my son were going, leaving me at home with the three girls. In a last minute turn of events, his father flew in from LA to go with them to the retreat. My big girl had a middle school get together on Saturday morning before her ballet class, and my middle girl got a stomach bug and was throwing up on Thursday. I decided against going to an in town medical conference to stay home with the girls. I hoped we’d have a nice relaxing girls weekend after we finished the hustle of Saturday morning, complete with lounging in pajamas, baking, nail painting and henna designs. I had Friday off, so there was plenty of time to rest, right?

Friday morning came and the guys weren’t finished packing. The original plan was for the guys to leave before dinner to get to camp, so I hadn’t made dinner plans. Then I realized I had no groceries or plans for dinner on Sunday night, which I mentioned to my husband and father-in law. I baked the muffins for the middle school breakfast and then set off with my husband to find sheets and blankets for the guys to take to the camp. Because it was my day off, I’d scheduled a pottery class and paid a deposit, so I didn’t want to miss it, so my husband and I hustled through helping get things packed and I went off to the class. Once I got back, I helped with the last minute shuffle and got them out the door.

 

 

I spent the weekend nursing the middle girl back to health, running late while getting the oldest to her event and ballet, feeding everyone and trying to keep the junk and chaos in the house to a minimum. In a moment, it was Sunday afternoon and the guys were on their way back. I needed to go back to the pottery studio to finish up some touches on my creation and the baby was asleep, so I asked when they’d be back so I could go. He was happy to be coming home and was fine with me heading out, but when I mentioned that I had no dinner plan and wouldn’t be back in time to cook, the question came: What are we going to do for dinner?

 

 

So here’s where the conflict came. And let me start by saying that I DID NOT handle this well. I was tired, fed up with being the only one responsible for feeding everyone, and I felt like I had asked for help with the Sunday dinner plan on Friday. Besides, the guys have been out retreating and having fun all weekend, so I decided I was justified when I told him that they’d have to Figure. It. Out. I was spectacularly unhelpful. And yes, that was wrong.

 

Here’s the thing. The longer I’m married and the older I get, I’m noticing that often there are patterns and recurrent arguments that happen. And as time goes by, I’m getting less tolerant of it, especially my parts. It’s not because I don’t want to put in the effort to make things better and undo dysfunctional patterns – I do!  But I have come to a place where I realize that I don’t have unlimited time to waste on being upset about misunderstandings and differences in perspective. And that was what this was. But the problem is this – I am in this place, seeing things from where I am. And he is in his own place, with his own point of view. It’s not going to be the same as mine. Being able to step out of my own view, to see something from another’s perspective, that’s what grows empathy and compassion. And it’s hard sometimes! But I’m trying. Here’s the run down:

My view: I’ve been holding down the fort all weekend alone, with a sick child to boot. I didn’t get the rest and relaxation I was looking forward to, and I asked for help with this dinner plan on Friday. So it’s not fair to dump it back on me Sunday night, because now I have something else I’ve planned to do. Feel free to suggest going out for dinner or picking something up, but please don’t ask me to cancel my last free moment of the weekend to cook for 7 people.

His view: I’ve been out in the cold all weekend building memories for my father and my son. I am tired and cold and all I want is to come home and get warm and sleep. I don’t remember anything that may have been said about Sunday dinner before now. Why would you expect me to come home after a weekend away and be responsible for feeding 7 people? And why are you being so unhelpful? You’re not going to help at all?

 

So, we talked about it. We tried to understand each other, and we did, somewhat. Honestly, after 14 years of being ultimately responsible for any food that comes in the house and the meal preparation and planning, it’s not very realistic to think that that will change before next Sunday’s dinner. And in the past, I would have been so frustrated that I would have withdrawn for a couple of days with my hurt feelings. But you know what, life’s too short to waste like that. I can’t afford to spend time in conflict and stuck in my attitude. So I apologize, reconcile and keep loving. In the end, that’s what will matter. And along the way, we each keep trying to see each other’s perspective and work together to keep each other feeling loved.

 

 

 

 

How do you move through conflict with the ones you love? What do you do to gain perspective? Please share in the comments section below!