It’s been a hard week.

 

Do you ever feel like you’re not doing anything right? I mean in a deep, core-of-who-you-are kind of way. We all wear different titles: friend, mother, wife, doctor-lawyer-indian chief (you know what I’m trying to say). There’s a level of performance that I expect to function at for each of my roles. And some days I know I’m just killing it – getting it done, doing a good job at whoever I’m supposed to be. But other days it just doesn’t feel like anything I do is worth anything at all. Let me give you some background…

 

Over the past month or so I’ve been reading a book called Love and Respect with my husband. We wanted to improve our relationship and our communication (who couldn’t use more of that?). But this book was hard. I figured out about halfway through that men and women truly have different cultures – our perspective, language, communication style, everything. Maybe this isn’t news to you. But I didn’t realize how very differently we see things. It explained a lot of the miscommunication and disagreements we’ve had over the years. But that wasn’t the hard part. The challenge was when I realized that I really didn’t know how to give my husband the respect he needs. So I’ve been praying to be more respectful and I’m trying hard. And still, I feel like I keep messing it up again and again.

 

 

Then we sat down with someone close to us (who has seen our family up close) to get some feedback on our parenting. And while some of what she said was positive, of course my focus was on the criticisms. I already believe that I am not the mom I hope to be anyway. So it’s really hard to hear from someone else that your way of raising your kids needs work. Parenting is hard work, and even when you are being as intentional as possible, there are still going to be times when the kids are nutty and you lose your grip, at least momentarily. But we also can develop patterns of relating and training that aren’t what they need to be, so it’s good to get help to see that. But it hurts. I want my kids to be getting the very best mom I can be, and to hear that I’m not giving that to them is very, very painful. Mothering is one of my most important jobs, and I want to be great at it. So I’ve been walking around with this deep sense of failure as a mom.

 

Who wants to fail these babies?

 

My semi annual review at work was also this week. And it went fine. No patient related concerns or performance issues. But I also serve as the lead physician for our group, so my review also includes that role. And a comment was made about something other employees wanted me to do differently, and while it wasn’t particularly accurate or important, it hurt my feelings. You notice I use the word “serve”? The lead physician makes schedules, handles all patient complaints, acts as a clinician-nursing liaison,  and supervises the clinicians in the group (among other things). And there’s no administrative support, not enough admin time, and minimal financial compensation. But there’s lots of criticism, which makes it a thankless job. Still, I’d like to think that I am doing it well. I certainly spend a lot of my time off working on it. All this means that I’m feeling like I’m doing a poor job as a leader as well…

 

What’s all this for anyway?

 

Well, that pretty much covers most of the bases. I haven’t wanted to even think about what kind of daughter or friend or indian chief I am. I’m pretty sure I’m a failure on all fronts. Right? Here’s the thing about that conclusion: It’s completely based on thoughts I have in my head. And I have learned that I am my own worst critic. So when I get into a downward spiral like this, it’s usually because I’m telling myself some things that I feel about what actually is. It’s not that I’m telling myself objective, clear-cut, honest truth.

You know what kinds of thoughts I’m talking about, don’t you? The ones that pop in whenever things aren’t going well, or you make a mistake. The thoughts that say: you always do that, aren’t you ever going to get this right, if you just had a little more self discipline, you really should have this together by now, you shouldn’t even be responsible for this, you are so lazy/weak/disorganized/stupid/fat/ugly. It looks so awful on the page, and we wouldn’t ever want to say any of this out loud to anyone, but we do it to ourselves all the time.

 

The good news is this: There is help! It’s really hard to see that in the midst of the spiral, but when I take a deep breath and come up for air, it’s right there. Let me tell you what also crossed my path this week.

I read a book a few months back called Lovable by Kelly Flanagan. It’s been on my bedside table to start reading to the kids, but something told be to start reading it again myself. It’s been so busy that I haven’t gotten far, but at 6 am one morning when I asked my husband to buy it for our Audible account so I could listen while I drive, he got right up and ordered it. So except for the risk of a car accident because I’m crying my eyes out while listening on the road (it is that good!), I got four gifts from rediscovering this book. My husband loved me by stopping his morning to get me the book, I’m getting supported and loved as I listen on the road, I can listen again with my kiddos at night before bed, and I’m doing more of what I want to do as a mom for my babies.

 

 

One of my colleagues recommended a podcast to me called “Weight Loss for Busy Physicians” by Katrina Ubell, MD. I started listening to study her transition from medicine to coaching and found that I was very interested in what she had to say and her teaching on how our thoughts affect our actions. This week, the podcast I listened to was about managing negative thoughts. It was next in my queue, but I’m pretty sure that was how that was supposed to work out. I needed it this week!

 

In my meditations this week I struggled to keep my focus. I kept having to remind myself to breathe and my thoughts kept wandering away to all the negativity I was feeling. But the scripture that kept coming up was 2 Corinthians 10:5b: “We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” Just because I have a thought doesn’t make it true, and in order to make my thoughts obedient to Christ, I have to capture them first. This was a reminder I needed!

 

 

I don’t believe in accidents. I believe in divine providence. It’s not an accident that I am going through all this angst in each of these areas – it’s because I need to pay attention and grow here. And yes it’s hard, but the help I need to do it is also there. I’m not alone like a weed in the desert, left to grow or die. I’m more like a well-tended flower growing in a garden with lots of sunshine, water, and loving care. And the Gardener keeps providing what I need to grow well, whether I ask or not.

I also believe you are probably just like me. And while you might feel alone in the dark, you’re not. We are all in need of love and support and correction, and we need to grow. So if you feel like I have this week, take a deep breath. Then do it again. Then look around for the help that is there for you and know that we’re all doing this together.

Writing this post was hard. But I wrote it anyway hoping that maybe reading this will make you feel less alone and sad, and a little more like we’re all in this together.  I want to feel that way. Knowing that we all need love and support, maybe we can reach out and help each other along, even as we grow ourselves bit by bit. Do you feel me holding your hand? I feel yours. Let’s keep growing, together!

 

 

Please leave a comment – I’d love to know if you’re here with me in all this!