You would not believe the day I had yesterday…

 

It’s been a long haul recently. As a practicing OBGYN, every week’s schedule is different – some days I’m in the office, some I’m doing surgery, and some I’m in the hospital managing laboring patients and seeing patients being admitted and those in the ER. Since the hospital I’m at now is far from my house, when I go on call or do surgery, my days are really long because of the commute. It’s not fun, but it’s not usually every day. Last week, I drove into the city to the hospital or to a meeting six days in a row. That was followed by two more days in the office, so a grand total of eight days of work in a row. Now, I know there are many people who work many more days at a stretch than that, and I’m not complaining – the work has been fine.  But I didn’t do right over the Thanksgiving week, and I was going to bed around midnight every night. So when I started back to work getting up at 5 am, I was whipped. It’s kind of felt like being jet lagged for the past week and a half. Plus, I’ve been hustling to get the house decorated and the Christmas shopping done, because Christmas is less than two weeks away!

So when I went to the office yesterday, I thought that I’d run through the day and squeeze in a few extra tasks, like work on a patient list I needed to update and call a few extra patients I needed to talk to. As I walked in the door, I heard my charge nurse say, “Hey, Dr Parks is here!” and I knew it wasn’t because they were so happy to see me. That meant I was assigned “Doc-Of-The-Day” and they already needed me to address some situation. The day had barely begun and we were already running. And so it went. Every time I looked up, another patient had been added to my schedule, or someone needed my help with one of their patients, or a nurse needed me to sign an order or answer a call or a question. This all in addition to a few pretty challenging patients on my schedule who I also needed to see and take care of. I finished the morning patients two-thirds through the lunch break, spoke to my supervisor until six minutes into the afternoon session. I grabbed my lunch salad out of the frig at 3 pm.

 

It tasted better than it looks…

 

It was the kind of day that makes most physicians want to pull all their hair out. Or at least start a part time schedule or do more administrative work. Too many days of that pace back to back are enough to frustrate a saint. I already went down to 80% in my schedule after eleven years at this speed because I needed a little room to manage the kids and the homeschool better. And in the not so distant past, I’d be ready to snap on the next person who wanted something. But yesterday, I didn’t. I joked and laughed with the staff, I kidded around with the midwives when they needed something, I did extra when asked and I wasn’t angry/resentful/frustrated when I had to work through lunch. What was different?

 

 

I was different.

The circumstances hadn’t changed at all. If anything, my schedule and the complexity of my patients and the coordination of care has gotten more challenging over the years. But the way I’m thinking about it has changed. Instead of being annoyed that I’m needed by a midwife or nurse practitioner, I kept thinking about how much I like working with the people I work with. When the nurses came to ask questions, I remembered how hard it must be for them to keep having to search us out, knowing that some doctors would give them a hard time for interrupting their schedule. Also, I really like our nurses, and I remembered that too. Even when I was in the room with an upset or challenging patient, I knew that I could manage whatever was wrong. I can be kind and patient, even when I know there are two phone calls and three patients waiting for me. Even at the end of the day, I still was feeling good and looking forward to going home, even though I had another daughter’s hair to do that night.

 

Sounds like someone slipped something into my coffee, right? I know. And given that this is not at all my formerly normal way of being, I have to acknowledge the mid work I’ve been doing is having an effect. In last week’s post I showed a picture of the book I’ve been reading by Eckhard Tolle, and the part I read yesterday just changed the color of the whole day. I even read it to my older kids. My son asked me again about it this morning. Let me share it with you…

 

 

When I read that, I sat for a full minute trying to figure out what problem I had at that moment. My brain couldn’t come up with anything. And because I’ve been working that gratitude list, my mind started offering me all these lovely things that were good right at that moment, like the warmth of the space heater, the snuggly collar of my robe, the pink of the sunrise between the houses, and the sound of my healthy kids making themselves some breakfast in the background.  It was true – my problems are made in my mind and exist wither in the past or in the future. They have whatever meaning I assign to them. And even then, they’re only a problem if I made them one, because otherwise they are a situation I may or may not be able to address right this minute.

Here’s the thing: I really don’t like how angry and frustrated feels in my body. And I feel angry a lot, because I’ve practiced it for a long time! Even knowing that most of my anger comes from fear doesn’t make it go away. But knowing that how i think about everything is my choice helps a ton. If I want to feeling differently, I get to choose the thoughts that I have that produce the feelings I want to have. I can choose to complain and rail against what is and how it might affect something that might happen later and I will be angry and frustrated. Or, I can choose to believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. I can choose to think that whatever I’m dealing with is growing me into the next best version of myself, and growth is often uncomfortable. I can choose to know that right now in this present moment, everything is well and I have many things that are good. When I choose those thoughts, I feel peaceful and I can smile. Do I do it well all the time? Nope. Is it always easy to think this way? Not at all. But it’s a practice, and to me it’s worth the effort. The days will be what they are, but I get to decide how I will live in them. And that thinking, my friends, is a gift we give can give to ourselves.

 

 

 

How do you think about the challenges you face? Have you ever asked yourself the question, “How do you want to feel?” Please share in the comments below!