This week, I want to tell you a story.

 

 

First, let me catch you up. In last week’s post, I told you about my upcoming medical board exam and how all my requirements were due. I scraped together every available minute and all my requirements were uploaded to the program the day before they were due – thank God! Thank you all for praying and being with me as I worked on this goal!

 

On to the story… Monday started off with a bang. My kids meet in their homeschool group on Mondays. so I got up early to make sure they were all ready to head out with their bags packed, lunches ready, and presentations prepared. Of course, they hadn’t done all the things they were supposed to do, so a fair amount of fussing happened as I directed them to get the trash cans on the street, pack up, stop preparing last minute presentations, and for goodness sake, sit down and eat your oatmeal! We went over to the church where the school group meets and I spoke to each of their directors, checking in and getting updates. Then I left them there with their teacher and hustled to my best friend’s yoga class. I could have left this out, but I had been so busy with the kids that I missed my morning yoga practice, and I figured it was a good way to get my mind right before I went to work all night. Little did I know what was coming and how true that would be…

 

 

Since I was working overnight, I had ignored my work phone all day. So when I got in the car to head to the hospital, I saw I had missed a phone call from one of the administrators in our department. Now, this is where things started to go sideways. My first thought was, “Oh crap. What now?” There’s been so much drama and gamesmanship at work in the last few years (at least!). My brain instantly started trying to figure out what possible mess I was being called about. You see, I’d rather stay out of the line of fire. As I imagined all the worst case scenarios I could, I drove into the city and ran a couple of errands, all the time avoiding making that return phone call. When I was about 15 minutes from the hospital, I made the call. And we played phone tag back and forth for a couple of hours but didn’t connect.

 

Hours later, I was still thinking about why I’d gotten that call. By now, I’d had plenty of time to imagine several possible disasters, so I was looking at everything with a frustrated and critical eye. Labor and delivery was busy, so now I assumed the night was going to go badly too. I had a great midwife on with me that night, but I figured she’d likely be calling me to do a cesarean on someone in the middle of the night.  And since the night was going to be bad, that meant the next day would also be awful. I started to question why I even do this job – why can’t I figure out a way to do something else with my life? My thoughts were spiraling down, further and further. I was in a funk.

 

Stupid work phone…

 

Fortunately, this is where my mind work stepped in. For awhile I’ve been working on my thinking and evaluating the thoughts that my mind offers up to me as truth. The first time a quieter part of my brain offered up the thought that I didn’t have to worry about whatever the call was about I wasn’t sure I agreed. But my training kicked in and I got still – even as I sat there in the middle of a busy labor deck. Then more alternative thoughts started popping in. Whatever it was, it would wait until another day. I could deal with it then. There wasn’t any point in worrying myself sick now – that was simply an exercise in torture that I didn’t need to participate in. Besides, if it was critical that I deal with it now, then I’d have gotten a return phone call after business hours, especially since I was already working. Then I started to see the good moments happening – the successful twin delivery we did, the fresh salad I’d packed up for dinner, the moment I had to clear out some outstanding work on the computer. Things weren’t so dire as my mind wanted to make them.

 

Capturing my thoughts isn’t easy. But the practice in doing it has a purpose. Many mornings I get up to meditate and watch my mind crash around looking for something else to do. And I don’t always feel like practicing my breathing is doing as much as I think it should. And writing down my thoughts so I can evaluate them for truth often feels like one more thing to do. But when things got tough, my brain started to show off its growth. And when the phone rang at 1 am to go rescue a bleeding patient, I didn’t worry very much about how tired I’d be the next day. When a complicated surgical emergency showed up around 4 am, I didn’t fret over how I was going to get it done and when I’d get home to sleep. My mind had switched the track it was playing to remind me that things would work out: I’d get it done, I’d get the sleep I needed, and I’d walk out of the hospital into the sunlight at some point. Sure enough, God sent one of the good surgical assistants to help with the emergency surgery, things went well, I finished up and went home and hugged each of my babies tight.

 

 

Today is what I think it is. Living in 2 Corinthians 10:5 is a discipline and a challenge, but making my mind obedient has its rewards. It’s how I manage to keep myself from spiraling into anxiety. It’s how I gain trust and practice my faith in God. When I allow my mind to rush into the future, not only do I fret over what might happen (even though it hasn’t yet), but I miss the goodness of now. And even when now is hard, it passes. As I rode the elevator out of the hospital that morning, a patient and orderly were on the elevator with me. As I chatted with the two of them, I mentioned that it had been a long night, but I was going home. And from her wheelchair, the patient agreed that it had indeed been a long night. In that moment, I knew that no matter how tough my hours in the hospital had been, I wasn’t sitting in a wheelchair on oxygen, dealing with whatever had brought her there. So I wished her a speedy recovery, thanked God for his providence to me, and drove myself home. I was able to see the gifts I have, and my mind is learning to see them everywhere!

 

 

How are you doing with managing your mind? What training do you use to keep your mind from running away from you? Please share in the comments below!