What a day!

It seems like there have been a lot of ups and downs in my life recently. It feels like I’ve been riding a roller coaster. And while rides in an amusement park can be exhilarating and fun, somehow it doesn’t seem quite as entertaining when it’s happening in real life…

It was just a few weeks ago that I was devastated by realizing some major change in my character that needed to happen to help my marriage (low). Then I went on my solo retreat and experienced some wonderful revelations about my path forward (high). Then I returned home to homeowner disaster after disaster and flood recovery (low). Today I started working with my tech genius guru on an online course for weight loss that I want to create (high).

And just this morning I woke up excited about a possible new opportunity for work (high), only to be devastated when the offer to interview was withdrawn (low). I feel like I can’t keep up!

Life is full of change. When I was younger, I thought that one day when my formal education was over and I had a job and a family of my own, the roller coaster of my life would slow down. Silly me! Adding career and relationship responsibilities only adds to the complexities we face from life. Whether you’re married or single, as we grow and change, so do our relationships and responsibilities. I don’t know why I thought things would get easier – I think I spent so much time wanting to be grown when I was a kid that I romanticized the whole adulthood thing. Why didn’t I listen when people told me to enjoy being a child?

I’m trying to think about it differently. The movie Groundhog Day came to mind today. I mean really, how awful would it be to wake up every day to the exact same day, over and over again? How tedious, how predictable, how boring! On the other hand, sometimes I think boredom is underrated. I chose my very high stakes career in OB GYN because it was more exciting than other specialties. Some days I would welcome a little routine day. But even if work were even-keeled, the four kids and being married brings its own degree of excitement and uncertainty. When I add all that to the ups and down of my own thoughts and the unexpected twists and turns of living life here on earth, my head is spinning. I want to get off the ride now!

I’m not a big fan of change. I don’t think I handle it very well. You’d think that an obstetrician would be well equipped for uncertainty, but interestingly I find that most of us like to be in control and therefore really don’t welcome the unexpected as much as you’d think. I am however, learning to think differently and surrender control (at least more quickly than I have in the past!).

Let me tell you about what I’m doing. First I’m learning to recognize when my thoughts are going off the rails (my husband calls it “catastrophizing”). When I start that cascade of thoughts that lead into a downward spiral, I (usually) stop myself and back up to the original thought. If I can capture it (2 Cor 10:5b), then I can ask myself if the thought is even true. A good example was when the offer for the interview was rescinded. My original thought was, “This is terrible – they don’t want me. This must mean I’m not a good doctor.” See, already spiraling down! But in reality, is it really terrible? Do I really even want this job? Might God have something else better lined up for me that this option needed to be moved out of my way to see? He might…

Second, I’m learning to sit in my discomfort instead of trying to get away from it. When pain comes my way, my first instinct is to work as hard as I can to get away from it. But that’s not the way to work through trouble. The pain festers and grows and doesn’t heal. So I’m learning to lean in to the discomfort. I breathe. I let the pain pass through so I can see it and look at it and let it soften and heal.

Third, I’m leaning on my friends. When I got the news about the interview this afternoon I was in a nail appointment (yes, I love a fresh manicure!). After I worked through the pain of disappointment and the ugly thoughts I was having about it, I called my friend in Austin and shared with her what happened. Sounds like a good idea right? Share your pain with a friend and let them help you through? Sure in theory, but in reality the embarrassment of the situation made me want to keep it to myself. I mean, I had told a few people I was going to interview for this job – what was I going to say now? Despite that, I called her anyway. And just like she always does, she helped me to see the hand of God in it. By the time I hung up, I was resolved and at peace. Nothing had changed except my mind, so everything had changed.

Change is good, and change is hard. Learning to live in the space where change is appreciated in either form is the challenge and the gift. I’m getting lots of practice lately! But I’m grateful, because I’m growing and learning in the process. Right around the corner lies the next call to change, and whether I’m ready or not remains to be seen. But I’ll lean in, work through it, and depend on my friends to get through. And I’ll get better through it all!

What about you? How do you experience change? What do you do to work through the changes that life sends you? Please share in the comments below!