This is a question I’ve been asking myself much more recently.

 

I hear you thinking already, “Yep, she’s finally cracked up.” It does sound a little funny, doesn’t it? We ask a version of this to people when we greet them. We ask, “How are you doing?” It’s a greeting, usually fairly innocuous, generally meant sincerely, but we don’t really expect to get an answer. It’s surprising when we get a heartfelt genuine answer, something more than “I’m good. How are you?”

Or…

It’s a question we tend to ask our children, to help them put words to their feelings. We want them to be able to identify their emotions and work through them. We know that children have feelings that they don’t know what to do with, and putting words to the feelings helps them to begin to process them constructively. As adults we figure we’re pretty in touch with how we feel about things.

So why am I asking myself this question?

 

 

To this point in my life, I’ve spent decades training and teaching and caring for people. Every day I go out to give something that I’ve learned, something that is needed. I’ve added having my children and meeting their needs to the cadence of each day. I love it. It’s what I’m here to do, and I’m thrilled and honored that I am trusted to take care of my own family and many patients and friends.

But…

As I’ve moved into this space of holistic healing, I’ve learned so much about seeing people as integrated human beings, so much more than just the problem that presents itself that day. It’s become quick to write a prescription and solve that one issue, but there’s often so much more happening underneath.

When I turn that perspective toward myself, it’s become very clear to me that it’s easy for me to get out of balance. There’s so much to do with my work and kids and projects that a very long time can go by when I’ve forgotten to check on how I am. It’s so common that women put themselves last on the priority list, as if we can be good caretakers for everyone else when we haven’t been taking care of ourselves. How do you fill someone else’s cup when your bucket is empty? So I started asking the question, “How do I feel?”

 

Empty bucket…

 

It’s actually a two part question. For women we can often answer the questions easily with a name for an (or several!) emotion(s). We can explain and describe and justify and break it all down. We usually have a story that goes with the emotion. And we talk to our friends or family about it, work it through, and that’s it. But we don’t usually go on to the deeper place in the question.

 

It’s in the word how. Talking out the emotion is a good start, but because the feeling that we are talking through is usually negative, we like to decide that it’s all worked out because we’ve talked about it. The harder part, the next step, is feeling the emotion. Sitting with it and letting it be uncomfortable isn’t often something we do. I’m much more likely to grab my list and run off to accomplish something than to sit down and feel the fear that goes with pursuing a new direction in my life. Escaping to TV or social media is another way to avoid feeling the emotion. Overeating, mindless snacking, having a drink (or two, or several) are all ways that we stuff the emotion instead of choosing to feel the discomfort and acknowledge it.

 

 

Why go through all that? It certainly doesn’t feel good. And besides, what good is it if you go through all the uncomfortable feeling anyway? Will it change?

It might.

Here’s what is certain: If you find ways to escape the emotions, they will get muted out for awhile during your Netflix binge or pint of ice cream. They will come back. And they won’t be solved when they do. So what happens if you sit through the tough feelings? They’ll pass, like a wave. And then your brain will realize that they aren’t as big a threat as it thought they were. Once the fear has passed and your protective guard isn’t needed, you get to be constructive about what you’re feeling.

Do you want to quit your job because you’d love to do something else, even though it’s less stable? Scary stuff. There’s a lot of what-ifs with that. But if you don’t feel the fear and acknowledge it, you’ll never get to problem solve and maybe live out that dream.

Are you terrified that your kids aren’t going to turn out well because you’re not the mom you want to be? You yell too much and you’re tired and cranky and you don’t know how to help them with that math homework anyway. Will you be a better mom tomorrow if you eat that Ben and Jerry’s? What if you sit down and let that feeling happen – and realize that you’re needing to get more sleep, and microwave popcorn and wine for dinner isn’t enough to keep you fueled and strong? Maybe you’ll also remember that you’re the one mom that knows your babies best, and there are a few things you can do differently tomorrow to love them the way you know you can.

 

 

What did I get when I asked myself, “How do I feel”? Mostly scared. What? Why? Ohhhh, so many reasons. I want to be a more patient, affectionate, loving mom, which I am not, at least the patient part. Homeschooling seems like a gamble, both because I don’t know how they’ll make it out in the end, and also because I don’t really know how to help someone else teach my kids while I’m working. They’re a lot. Homeschooling is a lot. Raising kids in any situation is a lot. Continuing on…

My job is fine, but I’d really like to step out and do something new, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I want to speak and teach and creative holistic care programs for a living, which is a big move away from seeing one patient at a time. I’m writing a book, which of course I’m afraid I’ll never finish. The fight to lose the last 10 pounds seems to be a never ending battle, so of course I feel like a fraud trying to help others get their weight under control.

So, I’m scared.

And I hate it. I try so hard to avoid it by writing lists and running as hard as I can to get things done. I’m a model of efficiency – running around at top speed, getting it done. Occasionally I’ll sit down and watch TV, all the time feeling like I should be doing something more constructive. When I actually do what I’m telling you to do, to sit down and be still, I squirm. It doesn’t feel good. But I get through it, and I’m going to keep doing it. How?

 

 

I make myself do it. And if I need to cry, I do. But when I’m done, I feel a little space open up inside, and that’s the space left by a little fear leaving me. So I will do it again. And again. And again. There may come a day when it will be easier to feel and understand the emotions, and maybe it will happen more quickly than it does now.  But if not, that’s ok, because I can always sit still and ask myself, “How do I feel”? The answer always comes. And with the answer comes space and growth and freedom. And we can all use more of that!

 

So, how do you feel? What happens when you sit still and feel your emotions? How do you work it through? Please share in the comments below!