I think I’m having a midlife crisis.
Ok, not really. I mean, I’m not running out to buy a Tesla or planning to quit my job and start a new career in Tahiti selling surfboards or anything. What rational woman with kids does that? Traditionally, men in a midlife crisis tend to make seemingly outrageous decisions. I think women tend more towards becoming overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. But these days I understand the temptation toward outrageousness. It used to seem completely crazy that someone (I always thought of it as a man), would go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a car or build a home movie theater, or quit their job on what seemed like a whim. And here I am, in the middle time of my life and I get it. Time is passing and I’m in the truly adult phase of my life. The kids are growing up fast and there are things that we need to do with them before they go out into their own independent lives. Am I preparing them well? My oldest car just died and we need to buy another, but I don’t want to derail our retirement plan with adding debt, so how much do we spend on a used car? Being a doctor has many good, meaningful moments, but God is giving me visions of doing big, amazing, crazy things with my career that I want to see happen but scare the stuffing out of me at the same time. What would doing that mean for our finances and family life? Should I do the safe thing and stay where I am, or pursue the crazy dream before it’s too late? And what is too late? See, a ticket to Tahiti sounds pretty good right now, right?
When I was growing up, all I wanted was to be an adult. I never liked being a kid. I wanted to make my own decisions and have “freedom”! The adults in my life would tell me to slow down, that there would come a day when I’d have many more responsibilities and I should enjoy the freedom in my young life. I didn’t understand them at all. What could be better than making all your own choices? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back – I do like being an adult. My general pattern is to get organized, make a plan, and make something happen. And I enjoy being able to do that! But some days…
Where’s this all coming from? If you read my post from last week, you know that I’m in a place right now where God is asking me to “Listen”. Seems like that would be pretty easy, right? Just stop running around, slow down, sit somewhere and listen. It’s not like I’m being asked to do anything. That’s why it’s so hard, at least for me. I can write my list, organize my day, and get things done. That’s normal. But to slow down? How? Besides, my brain keeps telling me that if I stop moving, something’s not going to get done. And what about the kids, and plans for dinner, all the clothes that are too small that need to be cleared out of the closets, and when are we going to find that new car? Stopping to listen this week has been even harder than I thought it would be. Let me tell you a story from this week.
My husband and I started a new organization plan for our weeks where we’ve blocked out time to plan and talk on certain days. We left Thursday nights open for us to do our own thing, which I thought was great, because I usually post on Fridays and I wouldn’t feel guilty if I spent time alone that night instead of with him. Other free time this week has been gobbled up by the car fiasco and revising the March office schedule, so I was looking forward on Thursday to snuggling up in my robe and slippers and writing my post for the week.
Then Thursday night came and I had to do one of the girls’ hair. It took as long as it usually does, but I started late, so after I shuffled the kids to bed and came back downstairs to get dinner, I realized I didn’t want to eat what was in the fridge and didn’t want to cook anything else. So I sat down for a couple of minutes with him while he finished eating, thinking I’d get a snack and work on my post after the show was over. But when the show finished, he decided he was too tired to go back to the work he planned and came upstairs to tell me about some things that happened that day. I was torn. My head was screaming, “You have to get to work on this post or it’s not going to get done and this is the time you have to do it!” But my calmer self was reminding me that it was a good thing that we are talking more and that I’m glad he wants to spend more time with me. And then I heard it.
“Listen.”
What? I thought I was supposed to be listening to God! But this isn’t God – it’s my husband, so why am I hearing that I should listen now? And then I got it. If I’m practicing listening to God, and I’m having trouble slowing down to do it, it makes a lot of sense that he would give me opportunities outside of the times I set aside to work on that skill. So I sat down and listened to him. And I gave up writing the post that night. And I got a little stronger in my listening ability.
Strong and powerful…
So that’s it. I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing what to do next, or feeling like the tidal wave of adult life is looming over me. I’m not going to Tahiti (until we get a vacation there), and I’m not buying a Tesla. But I am being prepared. I’m learning to listen, and the reason for the listening is so that He can move all the parts of this busy crazy adult life in the way that will work the best. Then I can ride on the wave. Woohoo!
What do you do when life gets overwhelming? How do you keep the pressures of life from taking you under? Please share in the comments below!
