I just got back from vacation. It was a beautiful week in a little house on the beach in a quiet town on the Gulf of Mexico. There wasn’t anything to do except walk out the front steps to the white sandy beach. The kids played in the water and sand all day and we sat nearby, reading or resting. The sun shone everyday, the water was gentle, and we saw fish and birds and dolphins. So why was I feeling this low level of tension, like I was supposed to be DOING something. I kept feeling a pull to write a post, check my email, do some administrative work for the office. There was this nagging feeling, a pit in the area of my heart that kept telling me I was going to pay for this rest time when we returned home. But this was a vacation! We waited, planned, and worked hard before we left for this retreat, so why was I feeling so stirred up inside?

 

Early morning with the birds

 

So I prayed about it. I got still and listened – should I be doing something? Was it wrong to take a week-long break from my commitments? This blog is new, so maybe it would suffer if I left it for a week. What if someone at work needed something while I was away and I didn’t take care of it? The answer came, very quietly but firmly. No. This is time to rest, be with the family, enjoy these few days together.

 

Playing Othello

 

So what was that anxiety pit in my stomach about? I call it The Performance Trap. I get caught up in wanting to be so sure that I’m doing everything within my ability to do things right that taking a break seems like I’m being irresponsible. Sitting on the beach reading a book, or coloring an adult coloring book, or taking a nap felt like I was wasting time. I wasn’t accomplishing anything – I wasn’t being productive.

 

Being “unproductive” on the beach

 

Here’s the problem though – productivity can have diminishing returns. If you work yourself to empty, never refilling your tank and resting, you can do less even though you are giving your all. And we like to be productive, we want to feel we’ve accomplished many things; so much so that it can become a need. We can become attached to the fulfillment we get from completing our tasks, our to-do lists, just getting things done. It’s a hollow fulfillment though, because we have to keep going like the hamster on the wheel to continue feeling good about ourselves.

 

Living in The Performance Trap is like running your car at high RPMs all the time – the engine will eventually burn out. It puts hard wear on you, on your mind and soul. Being able to rest provides balance to the constant need to DO, to make something happen, to accomplish something. Life isn’t just for doing: it’s for living. We spend so much time doing things that we aren’t living our lives in the moment, and before we know it, the moments we’ve missed have become years…

 

Sunset from the porch

 

I can be so rigid, so trapped in my own definition of success that when I stop for a moment to breathe or rest, I feel lost. Uneasy. Unmoored. Maybe it’s just me, but I suspect I’m not alone. Everyone around  me is running at top speed all the time. No time is ever “wasted” because we’re always connected. If we have five minutes between meetings, we check email. We make phone calls while driving. We send a text while we wait for the water to boil. When’s the last time you were waiting for a train or got on an elevator and everyone waiting there wasn’t on their smartphone? It’s as if we are afraid to make eye contact with other people and feel awkward, like walking into the cafeteria in high school. Maybe if we are absorbed in our phones, no one will know how vulnerable we really are. We’re busy, so we’re important, right?

 

Doing too much?

 

So what happened on my vacation? I wish I could say I didn’t feel that uneasy feeling anymore, but it kept coming around. But I fought it, sent it away, and reminded myself that rest was my need right then. I left my phone by the bed and didn’t check it often. I didn’t do my work email. I didn’t write a post. I read six novels from the library, colored my mandalas, played in the sand, and read my bible on the beach. We went out for pizza. I asked my husband to do lunches for us and I cooked some dinners (easy ones!). I let the kids watch TV while I went out to the beach alone,  and I let them get their own breakfasts. I did a little homeschool work with the kids and kept some of our regular schedule, but I didn’t fight so hard for it. I did accomplish something: I asked myself what I wanted to do and made sure I gave myself at least some of what I wanted. I actually considered my needs as important as those of my husband and kids. That was a new frontier!

 

Dinner at the beach house (roasted tilapia, quinoa and kale salad)

 

What’s the escape from The Performance Trap? Stop. Breathe. Think… Are you doing it because that is what you always do? Is it time for the thing you are doing or is it time for rest? Are you doing it out of fear – fear of running out of time, fear of missing something, fear of making a mistake? If it’s time to work, then get going and get it done! But if it’s time for rest, take your foot off the gas and slow down. Roll to a stop. Refill your tank and nourish your soul. Decide that you will NOT feel guilty for taking care of yourself, because you are worthy of it.

 

Sending love to you all…

 

 

The Parks playing on the beach

 

Do you fall into The Performance Trap? How do you get yourself out?  Write in the comments below and tell me about how you care for yourself!